Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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