There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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