can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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