did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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