He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
