I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
