I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
