No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
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