I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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