Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
