I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
