she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
