I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
