apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
We had sex on a dog bed..
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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