i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I want her autograph on my taint
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
