nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Success! We fucked roommates!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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