Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize