I never want to see another naked old woman again.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just gift wrapped bread.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
