I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
