You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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