He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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