You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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