Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
