just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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