My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
