I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
