he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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