i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
