I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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