I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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