is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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