I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
