He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
