I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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