please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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