I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
