What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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