Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
