There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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