Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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