just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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