Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
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I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
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Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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