Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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