I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
