I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
