true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
