I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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