i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
