someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
