I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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