Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
