Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.