You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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